Contemplation
by Metisse
Summary: Alex's POV on the events in Untethered as she is on her way to meet Bobby a week after his suspension and blow up with Frank.


**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns it. I just wish I did.  
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_A/N: Sorry to not continue with my two epics but it seems my mind is on other things lately. This one just came to me after another one of those discussions about the nature of the relationship between Goren and Eames. Set shortly after Untethered as Alex contemplates Bobby. ;-) Thanks to gorengal for the beta. She is the reason this stuff is more coherent and readable.  
_

**Contemplation**

Alex was jarred out of her daydream when the NYPD logo blinked onto her laptop screen. She glanced quickly around the squad room to see if anyone noticed she had been staring at the monitor for the past five minutes not doing anything. Fortunately it was going on five o'clock and most people were getting ready to leave. With a sigh of relief, she turned her computer off and began to gather her things when her cell phone rang. She smiled when she checked the caller ID. _Ah, such great timing as always. The object of my distraction calls._

"So you didn't fall off the face of the earth then?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant. As the silence that followed stretched out into what seemed like an eternity, Alex worried that Bobby might have hung up on her. "Bobby?"

_"Uh...yeah...sorry, I just...I've been out of town," Bobby replied._

"It's all right, I was mostly joking." She grabbed her purse and coat and headed for the elevator. "So where are you now?"

_"Home. I got back this morning. I was...hoping you weren't working late." _

"I'm on my way out as we speak." She pushed the elevator call button. "Should I come get you?"

_"Um, yeah...that would be great." _

"All right, I'm on my way." She snapped her cell shut as the elevator arrived. _It's a good sign. He wants to talk. Then again, what is it he wants to talk about? _ She slipped on her black leather coat as the elevator descended, wondering why her heart was beating so fast. Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to calm down.

Since Bobby's suspension a week ago, she hadn't seen him nor heard from him. She called every day and got his voice mail. She stopped by his place every day and he wasn't home. She even managed to track down his brother Frank yesterday and, as usual, he knew nothing. Muttered something about Bobby not wanting to see him ever again and an incoherent apology to her for some stupid comment he apparently made to Bobby about her. She had no idea what he was talking about and she didn't care. All she wanted to do was find out where Bobby went.

Stepping from the elevator she hurried to her car. _How did this happen? How did he become so essential to my life? _ She recalled the panic she felt when she realized she had no idea where he went. The feeling of discord between them, this disconnection was unbearable.

She got into her car and sat for a minute, collecting her thoughts. _God, Bobby, how did we get to this place? It was so much less complicated before..._She started her car. _How can I figure out how this happened when I don't even know what happened? _ Alex's frustration rose once again. The past year and a half had been rather hard for both of them. After her kidnapping Bobby had been very attentive to her but also somewhat aloof. His mother's illness caused him to withdraw from her and she resented it. That blow up at Thanksgiving was rather cathartic. It did lead to more openness between the two partners.

She backed her Toyota out of the parking spot and drove out to the gate. _So what am I supposed to feel now? Glad he's back? Angry that he didn't bother to tell me where he was going? Worried that he might be leaving permanently? _ The short blast of a car horn behind her brought her out of her thoughts and she exited the 1PP garage into traffic.

_If anyone told me eight years ago I'd be this involved with my partner I'd have told them they needed to have their head examined. Involved? What does that mean, exactly? _She sat at an intersection, waiting for the light to change. Glancing over to the sidewalk she studied the crowd. An older couple walked hand in hand, a young mother pushed her child in a stroller, a woman walked her dog, a man in a suit talked on his cell phone, two teenaged girls shared a magazine. It all looked so normal. Alex sighed. She felt so disconnected from all of that.

The light turned green, prompting her to move on. It's not like she was upset that she no longer felt like she had a normal life. She didn't even want one. Maybe when she was younger and married to Joe she wanted that 'normal' life. But when he was taken from her she stopped wanting that. She buried her pain and focused on her job. Then came Bobby.

At the start of their partnership they went from cordial to yelling at each other in the matter of a month. She thought he was arrogant, obnoxious and self-righteous. She thought he was crazy - really crazy. He said and did things in that interrogation room that stunned her. Made her uncomfortable. Angered her, even. Then she managed to catch a glimpse of the real Bobby Goren. The kind, giving, gentle soul. He was brilliant. Making leaps of logic no one else could follow. But she learned to follow and never looked back. She knew he was a good cop. A man who wanted justice for those who maliciously hurt others. A man who would put his own career at risk to see that justice was done and lives were saved. He put his life on the line the last time. And it wasn't just for Donny. It was for all the sadistic prison warden's future victims.

A lump formed in her throat as she recalled those seemingly endless hours of waiting for his phone calls from Tates to tell her he was all right. By the second time Bobby failed to check in, Alex was afraid. It was even worse than than the fear that gripped her when she got the phone call about Joe. _It was even worse this time. Why? Because I know what kind of hell I'd be living through if something happened? Because seeing another man I love die would be too much? Love? Where the hell did that come from? _ Alex blinked as she realized she missed a turn. _Damn it. I can't even pay attention to the simplest things._

Yes, she had to admit it was love. It was definitely love. Not the normal kind of love people feel for each other. Then again nothing about them was really normal. This was something else entirely. It went beyond your typical 'I love you like a brother' or 'I'm madly and passionately in love with you.' It was indefinable. It was so much more intense than anything she ever experienced before and it scared her. _We're partners. We're so much more than friends but not exactly lovers. _It was that vague middle ground she found herself standing on now and she didn't know what to do about it. She didn't even know if she wanted to do anything about it.

Taking a side road she backtracked to the street she was supposed to take. _Pay attention to the road, Alex. The last thing I need is to get into an accident. _ Despite her initial resolve, her thoughts returned to Bobby and the feeling of being unbalanced when she wasn't in touch with him. That night, after five hours without a call from her partner, Alex knew she had to tell Captain Ross about the whole Tates situation. Angry and panicked she told Ross she was going to go to Tates by herself if she had to. Ross, to her relief, insisted on going with her to find Bobby. It was a long drive and Ross did help her keep her mind focused on getting to Tates and off of all the horrible things she was imagining about what might have happened to Bobby.

The traffic stopped abruptly and she cursed under her breath as she narrowly missed slamming into the car in front of her. _I probably would have run myself off the road if Ross hadn't gone with me to Tates. _ Tates was a nightmare in and of itself. It took all her willpower to not jump across the desk and grab that warden by the throat. When she saw Bobby after they brought him out from 'heaven' she felt herself on the verge of hysteria. She wanted to apologize for not getting help sooner. She wanted to yell at him for being so careless with his life. She wanted to grab him and hold him and tell him it was going to be all right. She did none of those things. She listened to Ross yell at the warden, demanding an ambulance be called immediately as she stood frozen in place.

After that everything was a blur. She and Ross followed the ambulance to the hospital where Bobby was fussed over and she was never left alone with him long enough to say any of the things she wanted to say. When he was released from the hospital she drove him home but they spoke only of what he discovered at Tates, Donnie's escape, and his upcoming hearing with the Chief of Detectives. It seemed everything else was understood between them. They were both sorry for the harm caused to the other from this experience but they both decided to do this. There had been no argument. Not from her about his risking his life. Not from him about her risking her career. It was understood. They had to do this. Just like they had to re-open Joe's case. It was a question of doing what was right. No need for apologies or regrets.

Then he disappeared after telling her he was going to see Frank. Not a word until his phone call today. _So what happens now, Bobby? _

She turned the final corner and saw him standing in front of his apartment building. He looked thinner than when she saw him a week ago. His clothes were hanging on him, making him look smaller than she remembered. She saw him put out a cigarette in a planter as he spotted her car. So he was smoking, not eating and, from the dark circles she now saw under his eyes as he got into the passenger seat, he apparently wasn't sleeping.

Before Alex could say anything, before she could blurt out her questions and seek reassurance from him, Bobby smiled, "It's good to be back," he said.

And with that the world was set right again, for Alex. The smile he gave her was enough, even though it didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked tired but she knew he was genuinely happy to be back. "Where to?" she asked as she pulled back out into traffic.

"Someplace quiet where we can catch up."

She nodded.

There were still a lot of things to be worked out. Bobby still had to go through the evaluation by the department shrink, he had to get through his departmental hearing with the Chief of D's breathing down his neck. But none of that mattered. Where he'd been for the last week didn't matter either. He was happy to be back, and that was really all she needed to know.

**THE END**

_A/N: Just me speculating on what Alex has been going through. We all wonder about Goren but poor Eames is just as stressed out by it all, I just know it. LOL If my muse decides to stick around I'll work on Defining Moments soon. Thanks for your patience. _


End file.
